


War Determines Who is Left

by pointy_ear



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Angst, Best Friends, Canonical Character Death, Eventual Fluff, F/F, F/M, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Friends to Lovers, Friendship, Hurt/Comfort, Insomnia, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Sad, Slow Burn, Slow Romance, War
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-03-18
Updated: 2021-03-22
Packaged: 2021-03-27 10:48:39
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 4
Words: 13,062
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/30121617
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pointy_ear/pseuds/pointy_ear
Summary: After the Fall of Wall Maria and the personal losses you suffered, you decide to leave your life of comfort within the Military Police to join the Survey Corps.What you find there is more loss, sorrow and hardship.But also friendship, love and a family you could never have dreamt of.
Relationships: Armin Arlert/Annie Leonhart, Krista Lenz | Historia Reiss/Ymir, Levi Ackerman & Original Female Character(s), Levi Ackerman & Reader, Levi Ackerman/Reader, Moblit Berner/Hange Zoë, Oluo Bozado/Petra Ral, Sasha Blouse/Niccolo
Comments: 5
Kudos: 12





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This will be a short introductory chapter.

"That is a rather uncommon request, Lieutenant. Soldiers do not usually switch regiments. You make that choice for life.", the Commander said as he watched you, studying your expression. It remained stoic. "I will admit that the only reason I am hearing you out in the first place is that your request has spiked my curiosity. Why would someone even want to transfer from the Military Police to the Scout Regiment? Even more so considering your rank and time spent in the Police. Your Commander tells me you have done your duty exceptionally and have never had any issues with fellow soldiers. So why the change of heart, Lieutenant?"

You stayed silent for a few moments thinking your answer through. It was true. Your record with the Military Police was as good as any soldier could hope for. There had even been rumours of a promotion coming your way soon, too. You did not feel like sharing your most private thoughts with a man you were only seeing for the second time in your life. You had not even spoken the first time. Yet, it was imperative you convince him. You were acutely aware of how unlikely your request was to be granted. But you had not gotten this far, convincing both your parents and your previous Commander, only to be denied by Erwin Smith now.

"The goal of the Survey Corps has changed somewhat, has it not, sir? I did not have the courage to join the Scouts after my training.", you stopped. That last part was not entirely truthful and the Commander might be aware of that. Not the best approach. Even if he was not, a lack of courage was not something you wanted him to believe you had. You did not know the man well but from the little information you had gathered, he did not seem like a man who liked the truth kept from him. So you backtracked: "You might know or suspect the circumstances under which I joined the Military Police. You were there when Commander Shadis and my father came to the agreement." An expression of understanding crossed the Commander's face. He seemed satisfied and you hoped that it would only help your chances.

"Yes, Lieutenant," he started. "That explains why you didn't join us back then but what changed?"

It took every ounce of self-control not to give the Commander a dumbfounded expression as you stated: "Everything did, sir. Back then, the Survey Corps' job was admirable but far from necessary." Those were harsh words to say to their Commander but you had long decided that giving him as much honesty as you could bear to give was your best chance. "Helping keep order within the capitol seemed less fulfilling on a personal level perhaps but not any less relevant. It was the option with which I would not burden my family with the possibility of my death, too. Back then, the personal reward of venturing outside of the walls would have been my only reason for joining. And you now know why the alternative was preferable for both of us.", you stated matter-of-factly. 

The Commander did not reply, waiting for you to continue.

"My only reason for joining would have been my own curiosity. But now this is about so much more. I want to take part in reclaiming humanities lost territory. As we've seen, hiding behind the safety of the walls is not a viable option anymore. They have proven not to provide that safety. And now we are in actual danger and I want to be able to protect my loved ones. I cannot sit idly by while the titans keep taking everything from m- us. You know my ranking during training, sir. You know I would be a valuable resource to you."

It seemed as though you had taken the words right out of his mouth. The Commander took a moment before asking: "Would anything change about our arrangement with your father?" Of course, that was at the forefront of his mind right now. For you, this conversation was about your entire future. For him, it boiled down to financial matters. Still, the question was reasonable and you knew not to get upset.

"No, everything else would remain as it is. You're only gaining a soldier.", you replied calmly.

The Commander nodded, seemingly satisfied with your answer. "Your goal sounds admirable. I understand that Commander Dok agreed already?", he asked. Suddenly you thought he did not look much like he was mulling it over at all. He might not have been telling the truth in the beginning. With the financial matter out of the way, Commander Erwin seemed almost too eager to agree to your request.

"Begrudgingly but yes, sir, he did.", you answered carefully. His change of tone should have made you happy but it made you nervous instead. You told yourself that it was just not what you expected. 

"I am not going to turn away a willing soldier, Lieutenant.", the Commander confirmed your suspicion. "But I trust you are aware that the Survey Corps is very different from the Military Police Brigade? We do not have the same kind of funding, our living conditions and duties are fundamentally different from what you're used to and as I understand it, you have never lived outside of Wall Sina apart from the three years you spent in training. The change will surely not be a pleasant or welcome one." 

"I am aware, sir.", you replied. You were. This was not something you had not been told over and over by your previous Commander, your parents, your sister or your fellow police before. It was something you had had plenty of time to consider yourself, both during the years within the Training Corps as well as the last few months.

The Commander nodded: "You won't be demoted, Lieutenant, but your standing in the Survey Corps will not be the same as it was with the Police. Naturally, you will have to earn your place with us. Hence, you would be starting as a normal recruit."

"I understand."

The Commanders tone shifted again, it lost the eagerness and became the slightest bit softer. You were not able to determine whether it was genuine.

"Are you absolutely sure about this? When I say there's no way back I don't mean that I will hold you here against your will. I mean that you will see and experience things from which you can not come back. You will not be the same person you are now.", he stated and studied your expression once again. When it did not change, he furrowed his brows ever so slightly at the neutral face and added: "Or you might die. Even officers who were top of their class in training can get eaten on their very first mission. I cannot guarantee anyone's safety."

You looked down slightly. Unbeknownst to you, the Commander appreciated even the small reaction. With your previous lack of response, he had feared a suicide mission was what you were hoping for. More soldiers for the Survey Corps were usually a good thing but soldiers with a death wish were of little use to him. 

You did not have a death wish. What you had told the Commander about your motivations was true. You had withheld information of course but you had not lied. You would not let humanity be quenched out of existence slowly as you sat by and watched as your world collapsed.

There was a hint of a simile on his face when he detected a small quiver in your voice as you replied: "I understand. And I accept all that comes with joining the Survey Corps." 

There was another pause. The Commander gave you a look you could not quite place. Was it apologetic or remorseful maybe? The more you thought about it the more it seemed like it was actually pity before it finally turned into a satisfied grin. "Then I welcome you into the Scouts, recruit. Are you ready to assume duty tomorrow morning?"

You had not expected to join the Scouts quite as quickly but as it was surely best to have you start working with them as soon as possible before their next expedition and as you were not planning to bring much from home with you anyhow you might as well start the next day.

You nodded and so did the Commander.

"Just come in your current uniform and we'll arrange a new one for you later. Officially you're still a member of the Military Police, simply put under my command instead but I'm sure no one will object to your change in uniform. You'll be introduced to the others at 06:00 hours tomorrow morning."

"Yes, sir. Thank you, sir.", you replied. You held your left hand behind your back and your right hand over your chest in the place where your heart was, prepared to devote it.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After the Fall of Wall Maria and the personal losses you suffered, you decide to leave your life of comfort within the Military Police to join the Survey Corps.  
> What you find there is more loss, sorrow and hardship.  
> But also friendship, love and a family you could never have dreamt of.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter turned out a bit longer than I expected.  
> Enjoy :)

"This is our newest addition to the Scouting Regiment. From now on she will be fighting alongside us.", Erwin stood with you in front of the other soldiers and nodded for you to introduce yourself.

As you did, you took advantage of the elevated position you were standing on to study the faces of your fellow scouts. They were standing like they were expecting the king himself to come watch them you thought, all of them in neat lines and with straight backs. You could not recall the last time your own Squad within the Police had acted like that. The phrase _"At ease"_ did not hold much meaning in the Military Police. At least not compared to how the scouts were currently acting.

You recognized four of them. Hanji Zoe, your new Squad Leader, who Commander Erwin had pointed out to you beforehand, a man you had seen in Shiganshina and two scouts you knew back from your days with the Training Corps. Those two were looking at each other, visibly confused about their former fellow trainee now standing before them.

Seven trainees, you noted, had decided to join the Scouts back in the year 838 when your training class had been disbanded. You went through all their names in your head. Shamefully you had to admit that you never knew of their deaths.

A few soldiers' brows were already furrowed in confusion. Those were the ones who had been perceptive enough to notice the Unicorn that was stitched onto your left breast pocket.  
  
"The Lieutenant," the Commander continued "has previously worked with the Military Police." Now the rest of them were starting to scrunch their noses. "We hope to be able to make use of her experiences gained there as well as her skill. Now more than ever we need as many capable soldiers as we can get."

Some of the scouts were starting to relax. Erwin was right. They did need everyone who would volunteer. If you brought the skill he was promising none of them would turn you away. In that sense they seemed to share Commander Erwin's disposition. You had to admit that you were rather impressed with how quickly the Commander had managed to sway their opinion and at the same time tell you what he expected from you.

After just making your life a tiny bit easier the Commander added: "Nevertheless, you are welcome to ignore the Lieutenant's rank for now. She might have been a Squad Leader in the Police but here she will start as a regular recruit with Squad Hanji."

The Squad Leaders' expressions were stern again but not unfriendly. Perhaps they really would treat you just like a normal soldier. You would be fighting for your lives at each others' sides after all. That leaves little place for judgement for such trivial things. You released a breath you did not even notice you were holding.

"Yes, sir.", the reply came from the scout in ponytail and glasses.

While most of the lower ranking scouts nodded at Commander Erwin's request some were still doing a terrible job at hiding their disdane for anything Military Police related. It was not exactly surprising to you. The Garrison and Scouts had every reason to be jealous of the Military Police after all. Almost everyone who ever joined the Training Corps had hopes of joining them.

"That will be all.", Commander Erwin ended your introduction and you made your way down.

Not Hanji though, you noticed. No disdain coloured their features- just curiosity. No doubt they were going to question your reasoning excessively. But that was much preferred over unearned hostility. Most likely Commander Erwin had known to stick you with Squad Hanji for that reason. Their disposition would make it far easier to introduce you into the Scouts.

While you walked toward Hanji, the other scouts were slowly dispersing, although you did not fail to notice a few lingering glances.

Hanji spread their arms as if to give you a hug and nearly shouted: "Welcome to the Squad! You're gonna love it." and with that they started walking you toward the building behind the podium to show you around.

Turns out Hanji did not even get around to asking too many questions. As much as they loved asking them, they enjoyed answering them just as much. 

This proved useful in two ways: One, you quickly got a fairly good idea of how things worked within the Scouts and Hanji's squad and Two, you got quite a good idea about Hanji themselve. You decided you were most likely going to like them. While not quite sharing their… enthusiasm for the titans the two of you could agree that knowing as much about them as possible was vital to your success in fighting them.

It was nice to find a like-minded individual in that regard in Hanji. You had often been brushed off whenever you asked questions such as: "Where did they come from? Why do they eat us? Why do they look like us just uglier?" People often liked to answer with: "Hell if I know." People in the capitol especially preferred to ignore the titans even existed.

"So what have you been able to find out about the titans so far?", you asked your Squad Leader and their face fell.

"Nothing. Or nearly nothing. Erwin doesn't really want me to study them too closely.", Hanji pouted. "Or rather, he doesn't want to invest the resources for that kind of mission. I've kept bugging him about it for a while. If I could just catch one or two I could study them properly."

"Catch them? Is that possible?", you asked. They might have been man-eating monsters but the thought of just killing human-like creatures whose reasoning you could not understand had never quite sat right with you.

"Maaayybe...", came the very convincing and somewhat disappointing answer from Hanji.

Although you supposed that even if the Scouts were able to catch one or two titans, replicating the same thing on a large scale would not be a feasible task from a resource standpoint alone. You brushed off the thought. Sympathy for the titans was not something you liked to be feeling.

"Do you know the goal of our next expedition?", you asked. You could not imagine it had been easy for the Commander to draft a plan for this one. This would be the first expedition after the Fall of Wall Maria, more than three months after the event.

An expedition was unthinkable during those three months. All the soldiers, even the ones in the Scouting Regiment, had been needed to help the inhabitants of Wall Maria retreat to Wall Rose. The Scouts had been on the front lines, trying to warn and save as many people from the titans as they could while you had been given leave for a month only to return prematurely and begin your task of tracking who had lived and who had died. In other words- bureaucracy. 

Even know, many people were still unaccounted for, not to mention the many people who were not even registered. Inhabitants of the two inner walls were almost all registered in the Military Police's or church's records, not counting the people from the Underground. Many from the outer wall were as well, officially all of them of course, but you could not help but wonder about the many people living somewhere in woods and such, away from society. There would not have been a way to warn them either.

"So, tell me, I'm curious-", of course they were. "What do people in Mithras think about the titans?"

You took a moment to consider. You wanted to reply that what they thought now was very different from what they thought before but when you considered it you decided that was not true.

"They're the military's problem for most. They're a tiny nuisance. People are good at getting used to the situation they find themselves in. Every now and then someone will complain that the existence of titans means they need to pay more taxes. Before, everyone felt safe within the walls so people rarely even thought about them."

Hanji listened to your words intently.

"Now," you continued "they are to blame for all the refugees although many people prefer to blame the refugees themselves-"

"Huh?", Hanji interrupted.

"It's easier to blame people- the military, too. than it is to blame creatures you've never seen before. People are worried that the same thing that happened to Wall Maria might happen to Walls Rose and Sina as well but that worry is already dying down. Like I said, people are very adaptable. Most of them seem to already be in the process of ignoring and forgetting the issue. I suppose it must feel quite a ways away, especially for people in Mithras."

Hanji considered what you said carefully before realizing something.

"Then what about you?", they asked.

"I couldn't imagine what a titan would look like either, much less how big they actually were before I saw one.", you replied genuinely.

"What did you think when you did?"

"That they look human. Or rather, like a grotesque version of us." You became a bit quieter. "Seeing them from atop the walls wasn't that bad. They were uncomfortably close but still out of reach. I couldn't really tell how tall they were back then since I was looking down on them.

Hanji nodded solemnly. "I wasn't prepared for how intelligent they looked.", they said.

You laughed before replying: "Some of them look smarter than some humans I've encountered."

Hanji burst out in laughter at that, grabbing onto your shoulder to balance themselve. You noticed their grip had quite a bit of strength. They were only a few centimetres taller than you but you had absolutely no doubt they would destroy you at arm wrestling.

The pleasant moment with your new Squad Leader was interrupted when a man with light brown hair, who stood in a doorway to your right, interrupted: "Please don't encourage them." The words had no spice to them. The man wore a soft smile and seemed to actually have enjoyed watching the bit of their exchange that he had caught. You must have been quite loud because it looked like he came out of the room to see what the fuss was about. It was the man who had stood behind Hanji during your introduction to the Scouts.

"Are you done with the tour?", he asked. "If so, you could meet the rest of the squad now." He gestured into the room where the rest of Squad Hanji was sitting.

Hanji and you joined them at a table where three of them had been playing some kind of card game.

Before Hanji could introduce more people than the man who had invited you in the conversation already sidetracked.

"So... Military Police, eh?", a black-haired man asked. He must have been around your age or younger. "Had a change of heart? To much paper work I bet."

"Nah, someone who switches career tracks like that must be insane or have a death wish.", replied Coby Wolfgang, one of your fellow trainees. His ranking had been just short of the Top 10 you recalled. His words were a bit harsh but his tone was anything but as he gave you a playful smirk. Instantly you remembered why his ranking had dropped- his tendency to make jokes and not listen in the theoretic classes.

"And you think a death wish isn‘t insane?", the other man retorted.

"I don't know, Kritoff, is it? 'Cause what would that tell us about you?" So his name was Kristoff.

"Huh?", Kristoff replied in a tone that could have been either genuine or mocking.

"With that stunt you pulled on us last time?", Coby reminded him.

At that point Hanji chimed in: "Now, now, boys, let's not scare of the fresh meat just yet, hm?", they said and received a funny look from the man they had introduced as Moblit.

Hanji's interruption did leave room for you to reply: "I have neither a death wish nor am I insane. I simply had no desire to go outside the walls in the past." That was a lie. Your cursed yourself in your thoughts. You really did not want to lie to your new squadmates but you could not think of any other plausible reason you could have given without giving your actual reason. "But now, the Scout's goals lie in reclaiming Wall Maria-",

Before you could finish you were interrupted by Kristoff: "So it's‚ 'cause you got scared then? Need to fight here in case the titans come and destroy precious Wall Sina as well? Or are you just scared that the Maria inhabitants will eat all your food?"

"Huh?", Coby piped in. "How would it make any sense for her to come her because she was scared?"

Before Kristoff could reply, you did: "No. I do want to protect Rose and Sina but reclaiming Maria is my main goal. My reason is simple. I don't like the idea of the titans just taking whatever they want from us. What happened has made it apparent that we are not safe within our walls and the titans might just come at us again and again and eventually corner us. I want to do my part to prevent that." You had to admit to yourself that your response sounded very practiced.

Still, you did not care for the mocking tone in which Kristoff said: "Admirable. "So what exactly could police hope to do for us here? Have you ever even seen a titan?“

"I have."

"Of course she has, idiot. All of us had Wall Duty during training.", Coby said to Kristoff. Indeed, Coby and you had had Wall Duty together once before. Naturally he failed to mention the ungodly scream that had left his mouth when he spotted a titan that just so happened to also be staring at him. Considering he had survived twelve year in the Scouting Regiment he must have gotten over his fear.

"Well have you ever killed one?", Kristoff asked, unperturbed by his comrade.

"Have y-", Coby meant to ask Kristoff before getting interrupted by you.

"Yes." 

With that, everyone in the room turned their gazes toward you. You wanted to curse yourself again. It is not that you felt the need to withhold the information per se but Coby would have just given you a perfect out to just leave it unanswered. Now more questions were sure to come. Questions you were not prepared to answer yet.

Even the short man with the undercut you had recognized before had raised his eyebrows quite visibly at your statement. He had not even bothered to glance in your direction before, although he undoubtedly must have recognized you as well.

When no one said anything for a while he spoke up: "That's why you were so out of it back then." It was not a question. He had just pieced it together aloud for himself. But he had come to the wrong conclusion.

"Back where?", Hanji asked, regaining their voice.

"Shiganshina.", both you and the short man replied quietly, not breaking eye contact.

That one name seemingly made everyone lose all desire to prod you with questions. Or maybe it was the gravity with which the word was uttered, the way the two of you were seemingly ignoring the others creating a veil of silence in the room- or so you thought.

"What... what were you doing in Shiganshina?", Hanji asked slowly, all the others almost visibly flinching at the question. They might not have known what it was exactly but no one expected a happy story to start with "Back in Shiganshina..."

You did not answer, still holding eye contact with the man sitting across the table.

Hanji asked no further. The question had been blurted out before before they were able to consider the implications. It was an honest mistake but whatever you had been doing there was your information to share when you felt comfortable enough with them or with it. Perhaps you would never tell. Hanji was not one to keep information from others but they understood why others had things they were unwilling or even unable to talk about. Perhaps that was the reason you had joined the Scouts. Hanji decided that was most likely. Not that the reason you had given was a bad one. It just seemed a bit too altruistic.

"That was not the reason.", your cleared up the man's previous mistake after regaining your composure. You did not want him to think that that would be your reaction every time you faced a titan and you thought little harm could come from sharing the truth. The others were now looking around the room, awkwardly shuffling in their seats. "I never got to apologize for the inconvenience I surely must have posed back there. I am sorry."

The scout looked taken aback by your apology but made no comment on it. He did not inquire further either.

You could not decide which you liked better- the squad disliking you for your background or pitying you for some vague semblance of a hardship they figured you must have faced.

But with that the conversation had taken an abrupt end. When Hanji cleared their throat awkwardly and them, Moblit, Coby, Kristoff and the fifth member of Squad Hanji left to train, you were left to get settled in into your new room. 

You did not have many belongings to unpack. You put the clothes you brought into your designated space in the closet. The rest of your stuff would remain in your backpack which you laid onto the dusty bed.

Not having much else to do for the day you resorted to getting yourself further acquainted with the building complex and the surrounding area, watching the scouts train every now and again. The building itself was not all that interesting although you did notice that aside from the Female Barracks you had not found a room quite as dirty.

-

You turned in your bed once again and wondered how the others could be sleeping so peacefully with all the noise you were making. Of course, it was a good thing. You did not want to bother them like that on your first day. Having to share a room with four women once again took you back to your trainee days. Within the Military Police you had progressed quickly enough to have your own room soon but even there you did not have to spend your time if you did not wish to. Working mostly in Mithras, your family home was always right around the corner. 

Sleeping in a shared room was not the issue. The uncomfortable beds were. The mattress felt like they had found it in a dumpster somewhere.

At least you liked to tell yourself that that was the issue. Realistically you knew that even in your comfortable bed back home was equipped with a soft blanket and five pillows you had not been able to get any shut-eye for three months now. The under-eye bags were really starting to reflect that.

Another five minutes which you perceived as at least half an hour of restless turning passed before you decided sleep was not going to happen any time soon. As nice as it was to just stare at the blank ceiling, you needed to leave the room and try again later. 

You reached for the bag that lay at the end of your immensely uncomfortable excuse for a bed and grabbed the top most item from it before stepping out of the bed, accompanied by a rather loud creak. 

You checked if this had disturbed the others but since they had not been bothered by all the noise you were making before either they seemed content enough to sleep through this one as well. For a moment you wondered how soldiers who faced the titans so often could have such deep sleep. Maybe it was a skill you had yet to learn.

After putting your hair back into a braid you started to head toward the communal kitchen.

It was a cold room and relatively small for being a space that so many soldiers shared. You started looking for the kettle. You had not brought much from home but one thing you did bring was a small bottle of tea, a Blueberry Rooibos blend. It was the one luxury item you had allowed yourself to bring. There was enough to last you three months hopefully. After that there would most likely be a way to have your parents send some more over although you would prefer to just travel to Mithras yourself. Your mother had a habit of picking tea that was just north of what you had asked for. Vanilla Rooibos and Rum Rooibos blends were nice but they were not the same.

You had also brought your own tea infuser. You had every confidence the scouts would at least have mugs and a kettle but less confidence that they would have the proper utensils to not just drink their tea made with tea bags.

"Looking for something?", came a question from behind you, suddenly making you very happy you had decided not to stand on a stool to look for the kettle because you would have most definitely just fallen off at the sound of the man's voice.

"Ah! You startled me. How were you sitting there so quietly?", you asked.

The man raised an eyebrow at you, waiting for you to answer his question. He was the member of Squad Hanji whose name you had not been able to gather yet.

"The kettle.", you replied. "You wouldn't happen to know where they like to hide it?"

The man blinked at her and looked to the side of the table he was sitting at. There was the kettle. He himself had a small cup in his hand that he was holding in a way you could not imagine to be comfortable or practical for that matter.

"Oh.", you smiled sheepishly and nodded your head 'thanks'.

"It's not empty yet. You can have the rest.", he eyed the bottle of tea you were still holding onto. "Or just fill it into another mug so I can drink it later."

"What kind is it?", you asked while grabbing a mug from the cupboard.

"Black.", he replied. The man sure was not one of many words.

"At this time?" You came here because you could not sleep. Ironically, black tea did tend to make you sleepy but it was unlikely it had the same effect on him as well.

He simply shrugged and resumed drinking his tea. Considering your options, you decided to pour yourself a cup of his black tea. It was not like you were going to be able to sleep any time soon anyway and he might perceive your refusal of his offer as rude. You had a limited supply of your own tea anyway so saving it for later was not a terrible idea.

"What's your name, by the way?", you tried to start a conversation. "The Squad Leader never got around to introducing all of you guys but I've gathered everyone else's names by now."

"You already knew Coby, didn't you?", the man ignored your own question, only raising an eyebrow at it.

"I did. He was in my Training Regiment."

"Huh.", the man considered her statement before adding: "I think I've heard of you before then." You did not care much for the fact that the man, who had still not shared his name, apparently did not feel inclined to further explain what he meant by that or the fact that he seemed to have information about you while you still knew nothing about him. 

You made a mental note to ask Hanji or Coby about it later. If there were already rumours starting to spread about you, you would prefer to know about it.

"I'm Levi.", he finally answered.

"Levi…", you tried to inquire further.

"Just Levi." Ok then, Just-Levi, you thought but kept it to yourself despite finding it strange that he would not share his last name with you. It was not like you made a secret of yours even though yours would not exactly make you any friends here.

He did not make any efforts to continue the conversation and as you could not think of anything to say either you remained silent as well. 

That was not entirely true. There were many things you cared to ask but he- Levi did not seem like the one you should be pestering with questions. The two of you sat there in silence until neither of you had any tea left. The tea was not bad. The water it was brewed in was not as clear as you were used to but Levi had done a good job at making up for that. Whenever your sister tried to make black tea she always left the tea leaves in for far too long, forgetting them, making it impossible to down the bitter beverage.

Then you sat there in silence some more. It was obvious neither of you felt a desire to leave the room anytime soon. Right as your thoughts threatened to spiral Levi pulled you out of them.

"Are you not going to sleep? You have your first training session with the Scouts tomorrow. Our training is not as easy as the Military Police's."

You scrunched your nose slightly at the insult before evaluating that it most likely was not meant as one. He was simply stating a fact so you answered calmly: "I can't."

There was not really a point in keeping it from him. It must have been rather obvious regardless. No doubt he found himself in a similar situation if he was sitting here alone at night drinking tea that would only keep him awake longer.

He nodded slowly and an air of understanding passed the two of you.

"I should be fine tomorrow.", you added. "I have gotten used to the amount of sleep I get in."

Levi raised an eyebrow at you. You agreed. It was not something one should get used to but who was he to judge?

"I assume you have a similar reason for sitting here in the middle of the night?", you voiced your suspicion.

"Be careful with your judgement, MP. You are doing the same thing after all." Perhaps he really had not judged you. That one raised eyebrow was not exactly much information to go by and now it sounded like you were judging him instead, quite hypocritically at that. It seemed you were just expecting to be judged by him and everyone here to a point that made you jump to such quick conclusions.

But he was not denying it.

"I suppose I am.", you smiled slightly at the man - Levi - and looked down at the now empty cup in front of you.

A few minutes of silence passed again before Levi decided to speak.

"Why did you join the military?", it sounded like he had mulled over asking the question for those few minutes and now his curiosity had gotten the better of him. The question was asked in a careful manner, leaving every opportunity to disregard it.

"Maybe I was just so impressed with you back in Shiganshina...", you deflected, smirking, before he interrupted you. Note to self, flattery does not work on this one.

"You were barely paying attention to anything, much less comprehending what was happening.", you disliked how spot on his observation was. "But that's not what I was asking. I meant, why did you join the military in the first place" He stressed the word military.

Oh, you had not told the others the full extent of your reason for joining the Scouts either but this question, unbeknownst to Levi, was far more personal.

"What do you mean?", you tried to give yourself some more time to think your answer over.

"Why would someone of your standing want to give their comfortable life away for the military?", it was asked in a neutral tone, No judgement, simply curiosity.

The question was a bit strange you thought. Eyeing Levi's cravat you wondered if he simply wanted to compare your reason to his own. He seemed to be from a similar background. You figured he simply wanted to compare your reasoning to his own. The two of you seemed to come from similar backgrounds after all.

"I could ask you the same thing, couldn't I?", you deflected once more. It was a bit childish as you knew exactly what you were doing but his question had struck a nerve you did not know it would.

Levi stayed quiet. He did not seem to understand what you were getting at.

"What was your reason? Dad didn't hand over his business soon enough? You didn't like the wife your mum picked for you? Lost a bet?", you gave a dry laugh. "Come on. Don't keep me guessing. What other reasons could you have had to throw a comfortable life away for the military.", you echoed his own word back at him, admittedly in a more mocking tone than he had had. You were starting to sound far too rude for your own liking but your defensive mode was now in full run: "I know, it was a business deal gone wrong, right? That made you join the Death Squad?"

You did not notice how Levi's eyes widened at the business deal part. He stared at you for long enough to start making you feel uncomfortable. Maybe he was not prepared to answer the question either. Probably you should have asked in a gentler way as well- or just answered his question.

Suddenly he stood from his chair and started heading for the door- he practically stormed out. Before leaving the room he grunted, although it was apparent that he was trying to keep his voice calm: "Make sure you clean up your mess before you do decide to go have your beauty sleep." And with that he was gone.

You had half a mind do heed his words to the letter and only clean your own cup as he had left without doing the same for his or the kettle. What was his problem anyway? If he did not want to tell you he could have just said so. How could he be so sensitive about a topic he started himself. 

He really was a man pulled right out of the Inner Wall districts. He was allowed to ask the question but you were not? Sure, your tone had been slightly less friendly but his reaction was completely uncalled for.

No wonder you never had any interest in the men from Mithras, you thought. Such behaviour was typical for the men of the upper class although they were usually still more polite about it even if that politeness was faked. Must have been his time with the Scouts that made him abandon his manners and now he had the worst of both worlds.

So Levi- just Levi- was not a man you were going to make friends with any time soon, not that you minded much.

Now that you though about it, his reluctance to share his last name could be connected to his defiance to sharing his reasons for joining the military. There was probably some scandal involved. Maybe his family fell from grace or perhaps only he did. It was not a common occurrence but you had heard of families sending their older son to the military or the church so the younger brother could take over the family company.

You felt no sympathy towards the spoiled brat who still had not managed to get over not living in the lap of luxury anymore. Sure it was harder here than it was back home but that was just something he would have to learn to deal with. 

A part of you realized that you were not really thinking about him. But unlike him, you had chosen this place for yourself. You had chosen to give up your life in Mithras to be of help here. Just like him you would have to get used to what that meant but unlike him you had not yet forgotten the manners you were taught by your mother.

You washed the cup, the mug and the kettle, put them back where you thought they belonged and went back to the barracks. While still affected by the tea your mind was now also racing with thoughts about the rude soldier in your squad and that exchange as well as thoughts of home. You decided that you would not send a letter to your parents asking for more tea. You decided that missing them, your sister or home was out of the question. This was your life now.

An hour later you were asleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You met Levi!! (Or did you? The two of you seemed to have recognized each other). Aaaand immediatley it went wrong. Stupid misunderstandings. A bad business deal indeed. But how were you supposed to know that deal made him lose his two best friends? This won't be an enemies to lovers story but there are a few rough patches the girl from Mithras and the guy from the Underground have to work through first.
> 
> Anyway, once again I hope you enjoyed this chapter. It would mean a lot to me if you could leave a comment, some feedback, criticism or even just an emoji.
> 
> Thank you for reading!!!


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After the Fall of Wall Maria and the personal losses you suffered, you decide to leave your life of comfort within the Military Police to join the Survey Corps.  
> What you find there is more loss, sorrow and hardship.  
> But also friendship, love and a family you could never have dreamt of.

The next scouting expedition was only nine days away and Hanji needed to use that time to evaluate your skills and to see how they could integrate you well into the the squad. For that purpose the squad was now gathered in the woods.

You and Levi had not so much as glanced in the others direction today and it was fine by you. You would not let it affect your teamwork and you had not come here to make friends anyway. Especially not the kind you had plenty of back in Mithras. Hanji was a different matter.

As soon as they saw you entering the mess hall in the morning they had waved excitedly and shouted across the hall for you to join them. You got a few awkward glances since apart from Moblit and you it was just Squad Leaders at the table but as you were used to sitting with your fellow MP squad leaders you did not see much reason to change tht now. Especially as the closest thing you had to a friend so far sat here.

You were not all that worried about the training exercise. You were aware of where your strengths and weaknesses lay. ODM gear - stregth, blades - weakness. You had seen the Scouting Regiment at work in Shiganshina but you barely remembered anything from then. You knew, of course, that unlike the Military Police the Scouts made regular use of the titan killing gear and swords. 

Fortunately, you had never stopped using the ODM gear either. You made sure to never miss the few Militar Police missions that did require its use and there was a cupboard in your bedroom with the specific purpose of holding the infamous gas tanks. It was not forbidded to use your own gear on your personal time off after all.

You had always had immense fun using the gear and it made for good exercise during the warmer months. In the last three months you were rarely caught without the gear at your hips, even at home.

The blades were a differetn matter. You had not noticed until Shiganshina how badly your skill with them had decreased. You had never been particularly bad at weilding them before - the top ranking during training did not come out of thin air after all - but now your handle on them could be described as awkward at best.

You would have to find a way to work around that before you got used to weilding the blades again.

"AAAAAALRIIIIGHT THEN! Let's get down to buisness. Show us what you've got.", Hanji yelled and grinned at you.

They did not have to tell you twice. You had waited for this. Two full days without using ODM gear had made you restless. More so than the lack of sleep did. Nodding at Hanji you started sprinting. 

When you pulled the triggers to release the wires and leapt into the sky a feeling of utter joy threatened to overwhelm you. You could barely contain a laugh. Even just wearing the gear gave you a feeling of comfort but this was better. Without the gear you were exposed and at risk but with it there was nothing you could not handle. This was even more.

Nothing compared to the feeling of pure bliss you got when you propelled yourself up into the air. This was what freedom felt like: flying, having the wind brush against your cheeks, trying to keep you down to no avail, your heart beating faster because of the adrenaline and knowing that you were in full control of the situation- or as much control as you wished to have.

Soon enough you breached the canopy of the trees and had the wires retract. As the momentum you had gained kept you flying upward you closed your eyes for a moment with your back to the trees, enjoying the feeling of flying without any strings holding you down. You let yourself forget all else.

After the flight turned into a free fall, you waited. You understood the gear well. You had tested its limit. You knew how much it and your body could handle. 

Before you were to close to the ground you let the wires extend once more slowing your fall just enough to pull back up the second before impact.

Loosening the right and left wire in turn you swung half way around a tree before jumping to the next until you found two large trees that suited you. When you reached an acceptable height you released the wires once more, slightly delaying one and pulling your arms toward your body quickly to spin around mid-air.

No one stopped you for a long time so after a while you had to decide by yourself it was enough and you should conserve some energy for the following exercises. You did not bother decreasing your speed by much. Again, you knew your own limits well. Doing a saftey roll you landed a few metres away from the squad, running the rest of the distance as you had built up momentum. 

Doing a controlled safety roll with two large pieces of metal hanging from either side at your hip had been a hard skill to master but it meant you could be considerably less careful when performing stunts in the air.

You had a satisfied smile plastered across your face until you saw everyone elses. All but Levi were standing there wide-eyed and Hanji and Kristoff had their mouths open, gaping at what they had just seen you perform.

"How did you-", Hanji began but was quickly interrupted by Levi.

"What in the world do you think you are doing?", he asked earning him a "Huh?" from both you and Hanji.

Usually you would have had a more sophisticated response but his reaction had caught you of guard.

"What were those theatrics up there? Do you expect to put on the same air-show for the titans? Do you want to provide entertainment for them as a distraction?", he scoffed, clearly irritated with you.

"I was supposed to showcase my skill...", you replied quietly, not meeting his eyes.

"Your skills as a soldier- not a dancer.", he replied dryly and a silence befell the two of you.

You did not like being put into place, especially by Levi, especially when you had to admit that he had a point. You had gotten carried away. Not only that but this was how you always used the gear. You were not used to using it in any other way but soon you would have to. He was right. The way you moved would not be useful in combat.

"You're being a bit harsh Levi...", Hanji said after a while but the uncertainty in their voice told you that they had come to the same conclusion as you had. While your skills were impressive, you would have to be trained in the art of using ODM gear again. What you had now looked nice but was of no use to them. 

"She only needed to show us that she can still use the equipment and she obviously can!", they smiled at you but you did not see as your gaze was still downcast. 

"We are going to have to adapt it of course but there is a lot of potential there." Oh Walls, it sounded like they were speaking to a child who had just failed a maths test or shown them a bad drawing.

They got quiter and muttered just barely loud enough for everyone else to hear: "Good range of motion and excellent understanding of the gear. Barely used up gas either but not aware of her surroundings too much. Titans can't be spotted with closed eyes.", you put in a lot of effort to not visibly flinch. "The conservation of energy could be very useful… "

"Hanji.", Levi tore your squad leader out of their thoughts.

"Oh right!", they said. "Well let's see you in simulated combat first before we judge too much, shall we? Your movements are quick and unpredictable. Titans should have problems catching you but of course you still need to be able to use the swords to actually harm the titans, too."

This time you did flinch ever so slightly but you were sure Levi had noticed. This was bad. If they were already unhappy with how you used the ODM gear the way you handled the blades would be utter humiliation. Worse than that, Hanji would see little use for you and would keep you out of combat as much as possible.

"How come you could even do that? Haven't you been out of the gear for years now?", asked Moblit suddenly.

"Sometimes the Military Police has use for it.", you replied and heard a scoff coming from Levi.

"But surely not enough for that?", Coby asked and started making wild hand gestures that only reminded you of the awful show you had just put on.

"Well, I also practised on my own.", you answered quietly which earned you a raised eyebrow from Levi.

"Why?", he inquired.

"I-I like using the gear." You did not know how else to sugar-coat it.

A dry laugh came from Kristoff: "Oh great so either the Military Police or your daddy are just rich enough to give you gas tanks to use up for fun whenever you please? That's just golden.", he said, unamused. You did not reply and the others had strange looks clouding their features as well. Great, not only were your combat ability just classified as useless. Now you seemed like a spoiled brat to the others. Unfortunately, they were not entirely wrong either.

Before Kristoff could continue Hanji intervened, although their voice was a bit strained as well: "Calm down, Kris. This is good for us." You were grateful to Hanji and impressed that they were able to put their personal feelings aside so quickly for the sake of the squad. "Would you rather have someone in the squad that didn't know their trigger from their clamp? No. You've seen how MPs usually abuse their gear. The more they spoke the more they seemed to convince themselve of what they were saying as the strain left their voice. "There's dummies further in. We'll see your sword skills next and you can show us how you use the gear in combat."

This time you kept your movements minimal, simply moving straight ahead. Ironically enogh, you were using up more gas not doing any fancy tricks. It was not too bad. You were still fast and agile but you felt that this was not what you were used to. It did not feel natural whatsoever. You tried to ignore the way Levi moved beside you. It would not do you any good to compare yourself to him right now. His movements were quick and precise, impressive in all the ways yours had not been.

You cut into the fake titan about as well as you had expected you would, which is to say you needed two tries to slice the piece of neck off and even as you did you also chipped away a part of your right blade. At least your aim had been somewhat decent.

First, you only managed to slice trough with your left side, barely leaving a scratch with the right. You were quick enough to push off from the neck cushion and propel yourself forward once more to try again. However, the force you applied was too great this time, making you turn too far from the momentum and slip off the side. At least this slice would have killed the titan. Luckily, you were able to catch yourself, attach your wire to the wood the dummy was made of and swing back up to a tree, joining Hanji on its branch.

"Theatrics.", Levi said matter-of-factly and once again you were caught of guard by it.

"It did look cool though.", Coby defended weakly.

"Just slice through the titan's neck the first time instead of performing tricks.", Levi said, shooting Coby an annoyed look as if to say "Don't encourage her." They thought you had done that on pupose. With your aim they could not fathom that you would not have been able to slice through.

Turning to Hanji you cleared up the mistake: "I didn't do it on purpose. I wasn't able to slice through the first time and the second time I slipped." They would be dissappointed but they needed to know if they were going to make the best of your abilities. axa

Hanji surprised you by chuckling: "Good save then. It's fine. You haven't used them in a while. You'll get used to it. Try again."

And that was what you did until there were no titan dummies or cushions left for you to slice at. It felt terrible. Getting the right slice was hard. You could not fathom how it had been so easy for you during training. Using the ODM gear was even worse. With that you had not just lost the skill but somehow thaught yourself a wrong way to use it. 

At sundown the others had long gone off to do their own training when you and Hanji decided to return to the barracks. Your muscles were aching. You had performed a lot of moves you were not used to anymore and your back, neck, hands and calves were burning.

You trotted back, eyes to the ground, dissecting all the ways in which you could have done better before Hanji inerrupted your thoughts seemigly noticing the mood you were in and wanting to improve it: "I knew you would be able to use the gear for combat as well. But feel free to experiment with those tricks during training a bit. You might find a way to implement them."

You looked at Hanji, confused, and replied: "Don't you think I should get better first before starting to experiment? I might spiral back into the theatrics."

"Huh? Get better? You're already outperforming the squad."

You had not even paid attention to anyone but Levi but you supposed it was true you were not faring much worse than the others.

"But Levi-", you started.

"Don't even think about comparing yourself to him. The guy's a freak. None of us can do what he does and compared to me you're still miles ahead even without implementing all that impressive stuff you were doing before."

"I'm not. But thank you still. I suppose I should focus on the sword training then.", you assessed and did not notice the way Hanji narrowed their eyes a bit.

"Yeah. We'll focus on that. And you'll have to show me how you did that weird spin in the air. You just went like 'Whoooosh'", they said as they pulled their arms in and jumped only making half a turn before going back down, started walking backwards, unperturbed, as they continued: "And those backbends! I think my back would break."

You laughed Hanji's comments off before smiling softly at Hanji. You appreciated how they were trying to build your self-esteem back up. 

Yet, you had a hard time agreeing with their assessment. While you usually performed with ease, every move today had been a struggle. It was obvious you had to train but you did not feel like expending too much gas unnescissarily anymore and there was not an endless supply of titan dummies to go around either.

"Are you up for a bit of hand-to-hand combat for a cool down?", Hanji asked and you did all you could not to groan. Every muscle in your body told you to decline but your brain disagreed. Spending time around Hanji was fun and you should be grateful for every minute of extra training you got.

"Sure.", you replied with a smile.

-

That evening Levi was just leaving the kitchen when you came. You wondered if he had decided to leave once he heard your footsteps.

"You put the kettle in the wrong place.", was all he said as he passed you although he did give the ODM gear you were still carrying a strange look.

You had to look for the kettle as he had not bothered to tell you where he had put it instead before you could enjoy a cup of your own tea tonight. Despite enjoying this tea more than that from the previous night the room felt darker and lonlier this time.

This was not your home as much as you tried to convince yourself that it was. You found yourself closing your eyes and musing about the bath you would be taking had you been at home. It would have helped with the muscle soreness you would be getting tomorrow. You would have the tea in one of your favourite cups and after washing yourself you would have laid down on the comfortable sofa of your living room listening to your sister as she played the piano and your cat as she purred in your lap.

Or perhaps you would have been with Timothy instead, sharing a glass of wine, celebrating- 

No. You would not let yourself think of such things. This was your home. There was nothing else. The Scouts, Squad Hanji, titans, the ODM gear and the blades. That was all your life now consisted of. And that was okay. You simply needed to forget all else.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter had minimal Levi content but the next one will have more!  
> But you did get some Hanji banter instead ;p


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After the Fall of Wall Maria and the personal losses you suffered, you decide to leave your life of comfort within the Military Police to join the Survey Corps.  
> What you find there is more loss, sorrow and hardship.  
> But also friendship, love and a family you could never have dreamt of.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter took longer to write than I expected but it is dedicated to Danni who commented on Chapter 3. It's a bit silly but it honestly motivated me to work on the chapter far more than I would have otherwise.

Training for five days already exhausted you far more than you thought it would have. Not only did your muscles seem to want to kill you every morning, but you were also not seeing any progress. That hurt more than your body did. 

Of course, nine days were not enough to get your skills back to what they were before. It had not even been a week but you grew more frustrated by the day. You had half a mind to blame your age. Of course, you knew the thought was silly. Still, you hated not seeing progress and wanted to have something to blame.

Hanji assured you more than once that you were progressing faster than they had expected. However, you knew they were sugar-coating for you. You appreciated it but you thought it was counterproductive. Making you believe your sills were enough when they were not, was dangerous. You knew you needed to do better. If you did not, people would die… 

So each day you trained with Hanji in the morning, for the most part focusing on your blade work. 

After that, the squad did team exercises together. They had helped Hanji determine the optimal formation. It had become apparent that you and Coby still worked well together. You got back into the patterns you had developed during your trainee days. So you replaced Kristoff as Coby's partner. Of course, Hanji and Moblit remained partnered up. Since Levi definitely did not need a partner Hanji allowed Kristoff to work on his own as well. The hot-head was ecstatic about that. Coby was not unhappy either. He told you that keeping up with Kristoff's habits to rush into danger was quite exhausting.

In the afternoon the squad did some hand-to-hand combat training. In the evening you trained by yourself. Sometimes Coby came to help you although he claimed there was not much he could do for you. Way to make you feel like a lost cause. 

Even though his help was appreciated, you preferred training by yourself. That way there was no one there to decide it was too late to keep training. You liked to train until you felt tired enough to crawl back to the barracks and fall asleep.

You really did not do much more than eat, sleep and train these days but you liked it that way. The constant exhaustion provided a distraction and this way you would not run out of tea too soon.

"You look terrible by the way.", Hanji said as you two went to join the others for group training.

"Gee, thanks, Hanji! That's so nice to hear. I'm glad you noticed.", you replied, giving them the side-eye.

They shrugged, knowing that you were not actually upset, and continued: "I'm just saying. Are you getting enough sleep?"

"About as much as I got before joining you.", you said and Hanji raised an eyebrow. That was not an answer to their question.

"Don't overdo it, okay? We have a hard training schedule that's still very new to you. I don't want you to pass out during the expedition." They had a worried expression and you gave them a smile. It was nice of them to worry.

"I'll try to relax." You wanted to add that it was hard on those stone-hard beds they had you sleep on but you kept that thought to yourself.

Team training showed once more that you worked fairly well with the team - except with Levi. With him, everyone's motto seemed to be to keep out of his way to let him do his thing. It was clear why. You realized on your second day that no one could match Levi's skill. The only times when you could "neutralize a threat" before he did was if you spotted it earlier. Either that or if he was occupied with something else.

[Later realizes Levi's actually just as quick to notice dangers and her skill is actually in anticipating it because she has the oversight for it. She is envious of Levi's skill before realizing that hers compliment his well.] 

It was almost frustrating to see him perform so effortlessly. Meanwhile, you woke up with sore muscles every day due to all the work you had to put in just to keep up with the others. It was especially frustrating once you learned from Hanji that he did not even have to try. He had been like that from the beginning. Perhaps you had misjudged his reason for joining the military. Maybe he had simply noticed his immense natural talent and wanted to do some good with it. If that was the case, however, he had even less reason to be so touchy about the subject.

You knew there was no reason to be envious of his skill. Having a good soldier in your ranks was of course a good thing.

In any case, Hanji was right. Keeping up with Levi's level of skill was out of the question. So instead you settled for keeping out of his way as much as possible as well. It just took you a while.

While still trying to contribute and copy him, you had found yourself in Levi's way quite a few times. You were actually quite glad he had not lost his patience with you yet. You had no doubt it would be quite different if the same were to happen out there in a real fight. 

Hanji made the right choice when she decided to keep the two of you away from each other. You were at opposing sides of your squad's formation. That way need for cooperation between you two would be kept to a minimum. 

They developed a system where you were semi-divided into pairs. They were aiming for the most efficient way to combat the titans. You and Coby, Hanji and Moblit, and Levi and Kristoff. The latter pair of course not being an actual pair-up

During hand-to-hand combat, you rotated. Everyone always got a deprecated look on their face when it was their turn to fight Levi. While you did not care much for the man you appreciated getting to fight him. Fighting Levi gave the best practice. It was obvious he was holding back but it gave him an opportunity to give constructive criticism.

"Watch my hands.", he reprimanded. "You can't just focus on what yours do." 

Despite his warning, he made no move to attack you. He barely ever did. Most of the time he just let you attack while blocking himself.

So far you hadn't landed a single punch.

You tried everything: elbow strikes, long knee, punches, kicks, sweeps. He seemed prepared for everything. It wasn't even so much that he saw your moves coming as you did a good job at switching them up. He could just react to everything. Damn those reflexes. They did not seem human.

So you set a goal for yourself - the goal to land a single punch. In preparation for it, you started analyzing his moves. They were not all too predictable but noticing patterns just so happened to be something you were quite good at. 

Simultaneously you simplified your own movements to make it easier for him to track them. That way he would get used to them and be caught off guard when you changed them up.

When you finally thought the time was right you feigned an attack with the left and when he blocked it your right swung toward his chest.

He wasn't quick enough to block it which gave you at least a tiny bit of satisfaction. Still, he caught it with his left hand.

You were frustrated. You had spent almost half an hour leading him astray and studying his movements and this was what you got. It still could not make up for his stupid reflexes.

Levi looked at your hand in his with a perplexed expression.

"Did you not want to punch me?", he asked and you squinted in confusion.

"Of course I did but you caught the punch. I realize it's easy for you. No need to rub it in."

He opened his mouth to reply but thought better of it.

You noticed he had yet to let go of your hand and looked at it, trying to remind him of it without making the situation awkward.

He looked down as well and before you could react he had you pinned into a Rear Naked Choke. He didn't press. Instead, he just said: "You let yourself get distracted too easily." That was easy for him to say. You did not possess his reflexes and on top of those, he also had immense speed.

Instead of complaining about that you huffed: "Well, we were talking. It's not like the titans are going to stop and have a chat with me. Think they'll distract me with a delightful bit of banter?"

Still having your back to him you missed the slight and short twitch of the corner of Levi's mouth.

Instead, you only heard his reply: "You're welcome to try but inviting them over for tea might be hard. I don't think you share their taste in food."

Before you could stop it you snorted at Levi's joke which in turn made him give a small smile and while you could not see it, Hanji did. They raised an eyebrow at the two of you before turning back around to deflect a kick from Kristoff.

Finally, Levi let go of you and you turned around to face him once more. 

"Try again.", he said, not before taking another glance at your hand.

Come evening, you ignored the words you and Hanji had exchanged prior. 

They might have a different view than you on your abilities. Even so, they would have to concur that in the end how you did in training did not truly matter. At least not nearly as much as what you would do in a real fight would. 

That would be tested soon enough and you felt severely underprepared. You needed to train more. You would be prepared and you would not fail them. You would not fail. Not again.

And so, you failed to heed Hanji's advice and found yourself on your way to the stables. There you had gone the past few days to train in the evening and into the night. 

You had both blades in your hands and the ODM gear at your hips - a place it rarely left.

When you arrived you found Levi, already sitting on one of the crates in the back, watching the entrance to the stables.

"You should listen to Hanji", he said. "Surely a good Mithras education covers the effects of sleep deprivation and over-exhaustion?"

You did not reply. He already knew that it was hard for you to sleep. He was not sleeping himself so you did not feel like getting a lecture from him. You pulled out one of the dummies you had been training with. Then, waited for Levi to sort out his business and take his leave. But he did not.

"Is there something I can help you with?", you asked, getting a bit irritated. You had no desire to have him watch while you swiped at the dummy, missing it, not causing damage or stumbling.

"Punch me?", Levi asked and you weren't sure you had heard him right.

"Huh?"

"Punch me. Use your right hand and punch me in the chest."

"Why…?" In your head, you debated whether he perhaps was ill. You suppose it was a possibility that all that physical skill of his left nothing over for his brain.

"Just do it. I noticed something while we sparred and I want to test it."

"Ok, fine. But remember that you asked for it. I don't want to receive a reprimand for harming a subordinate."

before letting Levi argue the "subordinate" part you did as you were told.

Since he was not trying to judge, your punch hit dead centre. Yet Levi showed no reaction - no stumble, no cough, he hadn't even flexed his muscles to weaken the impact.

"Gee ok, show off.", you laughed but Levi ignored you.

"Now with the left hand?"

Giving him a weird look you wanted to argue it but decided it would be easier to do as he asked again. The sooner he was satisfied, the sooner you could actually train. And perhaps he wanted to correct your technique. Getting advice from Levi was annoying but usually helpful.

You punched him again, with your left hand this time. This time, he took a step back and coughed once. He grabbed his chest. He had gotten the wind knocked out of him.

"I said the chest." You had not put as much effort into this one and it had hit a bit too low.

"Sorry.", you said, even though he could have flexed his muscles and the pain would not have been as bad. Levi made an off-hand gesture to forget about it. Apart from the short moment which he had needed to regain his breath, Levi did not actually look to bothered. You knew that was not what you would have looked like if he had punched you in the same spot - full strength or not.

"Your left punch is much stronger than your right one.", he said. His voice was far too serious for that kind of casual observation.

"Yeah. I'm ambidextrous but my left arm has always been a bit stronger.", you clarified. Still, you tilted your head to the side. You did not understand what he was getting at. "Wh-"

"Not a bit. The right one wouldn't even qualify as a punch. But your left one is fairly strong.", Levi said as if you were missing a very obvious point.

"Well I did hit your solar plexus.", you shrugged - Of course a hit there would be more painful. You suppressed the tiny feeling of pride you got when he had called your left punch "fairly strong". It did not even sound like a compliment and you doubted he had meant it as one. So you had no business feeling flattered by it.

Rolling his eyes at your missing his point once again he instructed you: "Do a one-handed push up on either side" 

You were growing more and more frustrated as well: "Levi, if you could just tell me what it is that you want-"

"I did tell you and you don't believe me. If you can do one-handed push-ups on either side I'll let it go."

You made sure to return the same eye-rolling gesture. But without further argument, you got to the ground and did a push-up on the left before switching hands. Just holding your body up on the right you felt that it was a struggle. 

You tried going down but it was not possible.

"I-I can't.", you said still trying to make it happen somehow.

"I know. And it was clear that you didn't know. If you did you wouldn't rely on your right hand so much."

"But- how? I know I've never had this problem before. I swear I could do them before!", you finally sat down on your knees, resigned, giving up on your right arm.

"Could be many things. Was the arm or your back recently injured? Did you fall from a great height-"

He knew he didn't need to continue when your eyes widened.

"I-I might have. I don't quite remember but- I think I did.", you hesitated. You played back your memories, searching for clues on when your arm might have started to act this way. There was quite a strong contender. "And you think it's caused my arm to go weak? It's not numb or anything! Only a week ago I was still fine to draw with it."

"I don't know if that's the reason. It's a possibility. But it's without question that your arm is weakened." When Levi saw your frustrated expression he added: "You're just going to have to adapt. Train it more and make it stronger again and while it's still in this state you need to rely on it less. It's why you're so terrible at cutting titan's necks."

He could have worded it in a kinder way, you thought.

"Thanks.", you said regardless and meant it. He had pointed out a flaw that you would have to rectify. You realized he didn't do it out of spite. Knowing, in your case, could be the difference between life and death for you or one of your comrades.

Levi nodded but still made no move to leave.

"Was there anything else...", you asked, hoping he would finally take the hint.

Levi returned to his crate as he replied: "You're done training for today."

Who was he to decide when you had had enough? Of course, he would not understand. It was not like he required extra training. 

"Levi, there are only three days left until the expedition starts-"

"I'm aware.", he interrupted. "At this rate, it's far more likely that you will fall unconscious right in front of a titan's mouth than it is for you to fail because of lack of skill."

"Levi-", you tried to reason with him once more but he would not have it.

"You should listen to Hanji and take them by their word. When they say you're doing good, they mean it.", he stood up once more. 

"You called my skill with the blades terrible yourself.", you retorted. Levi was intimidating but you had no intention of letting him sent you off to bed. Not when so much depended on whether you could wield this sword.

"Your aim isn't the issue. Three days aren't going to change anything about your frail muscles and not letting them rest will only do harm.", Levi persisted. "Focus on doing more with your left hand during the day. That's the best you can do for your chances on the expedition."

It did not sit right with you to not do the most you could with the little time you had. But you had to admit that the way you were doing things right now as not exactly healthy. Also, Levi knew better than you. He had been on expeditions before and Hanji had said the same thing.

You sighed and relented: "Fine. I'll try to sleep."

Levi watched you as you put the dummy away and made your way toward the exit. He was making sure that you would follow through. You thought it was silly and it reminded you of your mother. Then, you remembered that he had good reason to doubt you. After all, you had told Hanji you would take it easy, too.

As Levi and you returned to the barracks wordlessly, you wondered whether they had put Levi up to this.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Levi might be annoyed but he would never let it get in the way of his mission and of course, that's the reason he helps you.  
> You're part of the mission after all.
> 
> Those are definitely some issues and self-blame problems Reader is going to have to work through.  
> Maybe going on your first expedition and seeing lots of human-eating monsters is going to help, eh?

**Author's Note:**

> Hi! Thank you so much for taking the time to read this chapter of this little fic.
> 
> If you liked it it would mean so much to me if you left a little comment.  
> Constructive criticism is always welcome as well!
> 
> \- pointy ear


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